Off To Paradise/Good News

On Tuesday I had a visit to the ENT doctor to look at my hearing, breathing and eating. Lots of complications little and big from the cancer treatments.which caused dry mouth, some loss of hearing and  sometimes my sinuses make breathing at night difficult. But these are actually getting slightly better in that I am learning how to deal with the dry mouth, Susan has adjusted the volume of her voice and I hear her better and she says my breathing is less bad when I am sleeping. The ENT doctor said one ear is better, keep my sinuses hydrated and I may need to get checked out for sleep apnea. But she offered some really good news, she looked at the PET scan results and while she can see that the radiologist is concerned that there is some brightness and would not give a clear interpretation of the test she feels the results are really quite good. The tumor itself is gone, the lymph nodes are good and there should be no surprise that there is inflammation in the area I had a biopsy, heavy radiation and difficult swallowing for some time. Her review with her scope shows significant inflammation remains which would have to show up on a PET scan. 

So we are off to Rarotonga! Leaving in a few minutes, our son Michael is driving us to the airport. On our way! People ask why I keep wanting to go back to Rarotonga and thanks to a friend who said, “You do because it is your ‘Happy Place’!”  It’s not the big adventure trip, it is the lay back and rest trip. The look at the beautiful fish swimming, tropical drinks and amazing sunsets trip. And its a spiritual place, good for my soul.

Tap Tapu Tapu 

https://youtu.be/bKzWM0IU7Cc 

Not Definitive

The PET scan I hoped would ‘resolve’ my concerns about the cancer treatment is not definitive. While the visual examinations indicate the tumor is gone and the nearby lymph nodes are clear there is a brightness in the PET scan in the original area of the tumor. This may mean there are some residual cancer cells. Or maybe not. The area is still inflamed from the radiation treatments and this can lead to a false positive. The Dr  explained that the good side of my throat, which never had cancer cells is just as bright so he does not believe there will be a problem but cannot definitively determine I am clear right now. I need to come back in 4 or 5 months and get another PE scan to see how things are in the area. 

This is, of course, disappointing but I remember  in the early pretreatment briefings that I need to get three annual clear PET scans before the treatment would be considered fully effective and no likelihood of a reoccurrence for 20/25 years. 

While this leaves a residual wariness, it is ironically very buddhist/contemplative, forcing me to keeping the present moment. Which I will be doing this weekend. For the over 25 years I have attended an annual Enlightenment Intensive, a Zen type retreat. Its really difficult but I do it because it works. I expect it will be particularly difficult this year since I am often tired, have dry mouth and my ‘internal metronome’ seems to be off and makes breath meditation erratic. I asked my 90 year old monk friend about it and he said ‘don’t worry about it’. So its like I’m doing a retreat for the first time, so what? They never said it was easy or would get easier. EVERY year without fail, on the first day of the retreat I ask myself how did I do this to myself again? The best image I have of that initial state is the scene from the film ‘Liar, Liar’ where lawyer who must now tell the truth beats himself up:

http://tinyurl.com/hqdoroq

It really is that hard at the beginning of each retreat. And it is worth doing because by the third day the space is so wonderful I contemplate not leaving, ever. This process is so profound, it gets all the commercials out of my head, opens  my heart and has left me with transformational experiences of the nature of myself, life and others. I expect it is one of the few activities that will clear my head of my medical concerns. Powerful stuff, telling the truth. When I look across at my partner and see their divinity it makes it easier for them to see it themselves. When they see it in themselves it is easier for them to see it in me. And easier for me to see in myself. Try it. Or whatever spiritual practice works for you.

http://tinyurl.com/jxd8n8m