Birthday Part II

At Friday dance the energy is light like spring time. At one point friends dance a circle around me to Stevie Wonder’s birthday song. Then the DJ plays ‘Leya’, http://tinyurl.com/nnzaftj wonderful music, then she plays ‘I Love The Sound Of Breaking Glass’ and everyone gets quite animated, I must not be the only person that resonates with this energy. http://tinyurl.com/pe2l7qa The final song is ‘You Are Safe’ by Vanessa Forbes. If a fellow could marry a voice this lady would have a thousand suitors. And it is my song for the day, hope you enjoy it!http://tinyurl.com/nos6bhs

Happy Unbirthday To Me

Today is officially my birthday, turning 65. But I am not celebrating it today. I am saving that for a future date when I can celebrate being alive and more vital. And I will be celebrating many unbirthdays then as well.  I wish everyone an unbirthday! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdsZT7WKjW8

I am in better shape this day than I thought I would be a week ago when the chemo began, my body invaded by strange substances. The radiation is only now getting irritating  but far less than I am told is coming. Sort of a sweet spot and I am going to enjoy it as much as I can.

I remember ages past to about 1959 in 4th grade when I looked at a calendar and wondered how the world would look in 2000, I would be 50 then, an incomprehensible number. Anything higher went actually unimagined. It has been a good 65 years and, except for the current cancer dance, life has only gotten better. 

Susan and I plan to drop in on our Friday night dance group. I  probably will not  dance much but its a time to play with friends all in costumes. Let the body and mind imagine new spaces. Some time back, before Mr C, I had planned to have a party as part of this gathering . Right now I am happy to be here at all.  

My song for today? Somewhere Over The Rainbow Izzy’s version: http://tinyurl.com/qhbj2zc

‘And I say to myself, what a wonderful world’

It Don't Come Easy

Monday night I have enough energy to at least dance a bit at our Monday night dance session. Old friends and comfortable place, wonderful music. I Have my exercise heart monitor on and get exactly zero fitness minutes but it feels so good to just move my body around, dance by myself, with Susan and with friends. My balance is just about gone, cannot spin. I get an email from a friend with info on a DVD called Crazy, Sexy Cancer, we order it from Netflix. I understand it focuses on eating well. Good idea in general, too much junk food. Meanwhile I am more worried about eating more now and eating problems I am likely to encounter in the weeks ahead.

All night I didn’t sleep well not sure if it is from the exertion, eating too much, too late or the wrong things. I am still trying to bulk up when I can so I had  ice cream when I got home. 

On Wednesday there is a small change in schedule. In addition to the rad treatment I get to meet the radiation MD, again. I have my list of questions. Any change to treatment plan? No. What do we know now that we did not know a week ago? Nothing. The Dr advises that these are the ‘good days’. And then goes into how hard weeks 5, 6, 7 & the following two recovery weeks are likely to be. Mouth, taste & smell destroyed. Lots of pain in the throat. Still have to eat when it is uninteresting or worse. Will probably get mouth sores and a list of other problems that will have to be addressed. His descriptions sound right out of Dante’s Inferno and then he smiles and says ….I’m going to be fine. The guy could have a second career as an Army recruiter. 

The songs during the rad treatment were again appropriate. ‘Yesterday' by you know who; ‘all my troubles seems so far away’. And later ‘It Don’t Come Easy’ ; ‘got to pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues’. Here I thought I had paid my dues and I learn they have not sent the bill out yet.  What will my songs be like in a few weeks?

A Night At The Opry

The weekend brings some recovery. Too tired to dance on Friday. On Saturday I have enough energy to walk around the farmers market and pick up some healthy food. We do a bit more shopping and I rest while Susan visits her mom. In the evening we meet good friends for a small dinner and go to the local Sierra Madre Playhouse which is running a Patsy Cline show. I also run into some lodge brothers & families there too. Remarkably well done show. 27 songs with small acts connecting her story. Professional, entertaining and even gets me absorbed enough to cheer me up. And thats with all the SAD C&W songs, ‘Crazy’, She’s Got You’ , ‘I Fall To Pieces’, Leaving’ On Your Mind”; come on, no happy music in there? Yet the raw emotions suck me in. Even now over years and music styles. Music is music and the only thing that would have been better was to have an open area to dance in, and the energy to move.

Sometimes a sad song hits the spot:

Crazy by Patsy Cline 

http://tinyurl.com/kq5ucrc

Three Down, Thirty Two To Go

Feeling wimpy most of the day, just waves running thru my body, 15 min nauseous, 15 minutes flu like, 15 min ‘caffeined’ (maybe the steroids?) and 15 minutes quite normal. I can visualize the chemo war raging within. Still not a bad day, I eat meals and can still taste things, I know this will be an issue later. I was feeling pretty grim, so many sessions ahead with information that these will take a heavier toll on my body. And the first two sessions were long, 20+ minutes in the tube, I keep track of time by counting the number of songs, one day its 7 and another 9 so I figure that they are all about 3 minutes long. But today its short, only 3 songs and it turns out this will be the norm for 4 days a week with a longer session required to assure alignment, yea! That makes it a lot easer to control my concerns about not swallowing and messing up the procedure. 

Now two days off! It will be interesting to see if my energy evens out or stays in constant flux. The problem is that I am hesitant to go out or be active as I cannot sustain much activity.

Song for today? Its I’m So Glad I’m Standing Here Today, the mellow acoustic version: http://tinyurl.com/q5s6jps

The News Today

In The News Today:

* Joe Biden decides not to run for President

* S&P 500 is down slightly

* Cubs are 0-3 Vs the NY Mets

* Frank completes his first chemo and radiation treatments

For some reason the last one really gets my attention. And, fortunately, my odds are much better than the Cubs.

The chemo went well 5+ hours, only passing moments of nausea but was advised that it can get worse later on and radiation has its own nausea issues. I’m a bit dizzy, wired on steroids and it is a two hour wait for the radiation treatment. 

The radiation tech asks what kind of music I want, since I am in darkness for some time they can pipe in music to keep me comfortable. I asked about EDM but he didn’t know what it is and its entirely the opposite of the kind of music for laying still. So I say the Beatles, no problem, he has a Beatles Pandora station. Well the station must intersperse other music of that era as I get into place and Hear the Rolling Stones doing You Can’t Always Get What You Want, http://tinyurl.com/oz5awtj

Somehow they couldn’t have picked a better song.

The radiation session is only about an hour including the setup and plenty of advice  from the rad tech to KEEP EATING, in 2+ weeks food will look and taste awful. Should I shave my beard? No problem, he says, the treatments will take care of that for me. I am bolted in place, the mask cranked down even harder, still hard to breathe and keep my throat clear. More alignment X-rays are taken and then they run the treatment, they said I was in about 20 minutes, I can’t call it a timeless experience, it seemed too long for that. It seems so long to to get to this point and so much ahead, the song of the moment is Crosby Still & Nash 'Long Time Gone'

http://tinyurl.com/nuf2zju

 I love the line "and you know, the darkest hour is always, just before the dawn".

Thankful

This may be my longest and most incoherent post ever, hope it rewards sloging through. As I about to go to my first 5 hour chemo and 2 hour radiation session I am reflecting on expressing, ‘for what I am about to receive let me be thankful’. 

This expression has had a long history with me, sometimes in my life it fits better than other times. One spiritual practice I do is an annual 3 day retreat at Mt Baldy Zen Center called an Enlightenment Intensive, it is something of a western Zen practice (although nondenominational) where participants  work on ‘questions’ (koans) like Who Am I?, What Is Life? What is Another? and a few others. These are done in dyads, sitting, walking, eating, sleeping, all the time 24/7. It is a hard practice but I find it very effective in clearing out the ‘Juicy Fruit’ commercials and major noise from my consciousness. The questions never quite get answered but they do get ‘resolved’ with increased consciousness and compassion. 

So in 1982 I am doing my second one , working on the question 'What is life?' and get into a huge mental paradox. I have an ‘insight’ that I have never fully communicated with another person in my life, ever. Now in this process the instruction is to fully communicate insights to the dyad partner or leader. How can I ‘fully’ communicate that I cannot communicate? So a soft voice inside asks me, ‘so whats the problem? I have lived 30+ years of a fairly successful life, what did I want to say anyway? And then I am overwhelmed, there is something I REALLY want to say and it is simply; THANK YOU! That is actually all I want to communicate to anyone anytime, all the rest is commentary. I am alive, on fire and everywhere I look I see the gift that life is. Everything, the flowers, the weeds, pretty houses and broken glass. Its existence, all existence is a miracle, The Hebrew name Nathan comes to mind, I understand that it means ‘gift of God’ and I expect to see it everywhere, on ants, dirt, people, everything is a gift. And as this goes on an old memory wells up, stuck somewhere deeply in my mind, of an old black and white movie, just a bit of it, set probably in the 1600s a British sailing ship is fighting with several Spanish ships. The British ship is small and faster and through near miraculous seamanship got off several salvos before the inevitable happens, they are side to side with the Spanish ship and will get a broadside. Now the movie, the script, has the UK captain saying “For what we are about to receive, let us be thankful”. And this is stuck somewhere in my memory as I could not process it. Really, why not curse the enemy or encourage your fighters to take two for every one we lose, but not in any way can the word ‘thankful’ fit in this event. But now I see it, when everything given us is a miracle, everything is a gift. Nothing is left out.

And a song that expresses some of the wonder: Thank You by Alanins Morissette
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/62504573/01%20Thank%20You.m4a

Medical Marijuana

I never thought this would be my most boring blog entry, but it all just flows as clinical information gathering. Maybe actually using medical marijuana (MM) will be artful or insightful but my current engagement with acquiring it it is practical and even mechanical.

Based on recommendations of friends and advice from other cancer colleagues I am going to engage with MM. Online readings and friends advice indicate I should focus more on the CBD part of the plant (the non psychoactive part) than the THC psychoactive part. I visit a local ‘marijuana doctor’, a real MD who really does go over my current health, my planned treatments and how to engage with MM. Folks who want to get high go for high, 10:1 or all THC content. Online guides to MM suggest a 1:1 CBD to THC ratio. The doctor suggests starting at a 2:1 CBD to THC ratio. And she suggests only getting products that are tested and marked for their properties. Have no idea how other doctors can be in their MM referrals but this one is a pretty serious alternative medical practicer, an actual MD, gives real advice and is there to answer questions and deal with side effects if necessary. The office looks like a real medical office and the patients look very normal. I tell my younger son about this and he laughs and says, ‘well then, its nothing like the places in Hollywood’ without explaining how he would know that. So that was step one,  I have my referral, next I will visit supply places to pick up some ‘product’. 

I join a local MM co-op. An unmarked building with a guarded entry. I have to make an appointment in advance with MD referral details before I can even get in to look at the place. The waiting room is quite sterile but on time. I meet the advisor who goes over my case and their products. Am I familiar with marijuana? Does 30 years ago count? Well, its changed a bit he says. The place looks like a candy store for many, I suppose this is just normal in Colorado and a few other places but surprising in the next town over from me. I don’t want to smoke anything, tongue/throat issues dictate that. But they have various oils with different strengths and CBD to THC proportions. I pick out a 2:1 spray and a 7:1 oil. The advisor goes over good ways to start with low amounts and see how effective the MM is and any side effects. 

Being comfortable scientific experimentation and with numbers I start a spread sheet with time, product, dose, reaction time, duration and other notes. 

So what is the great, exciting newest report? The stuff (highly technical medical term) does work, sort of. At my low initial doses there is almost no identifiable psych effects, it takes the edge off the pain in my neck/face and it does help me sleep, and large amounts of ice cream disappear from my freezer. 

Theme song for this episode? How about Jefferson Airplane’s White Rabbit 

http://tinyurl.com/pkhmx2j

Although this glorifies the psych effect I am grateful for any relief I can get. A better song would probably be ’ With A Little Help From My Friends  http://tinyurl.com/qft4gql

Lose Yourself To Dance

A nice Monday, not much going on for me, jaw pain is still manageable with acetaminophen without hydrocodone. Susan is busy with her Met Opera activities, probably keeping her sane. In the evening we head over for our Monday night dance session ( http://www.imjam.net ). And its wonderful, just what I need, a chance to let go, dance alone, dance together, all summed up in the song Lose Yourself To Dance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NF-kLy44Hls

And I listen to a youtube posting from a friend which reminds me why I dance with these people and am lucky to have Susan in my life: 

‘set your life on fire, seek those who fan the flame’— Rumi 

Life Is Beautiful At The Ballet

Saturday is very busy. I go to Zumba in the morning, see some friends and move for 45 minutes, I have enough energy for a bit more but I don’t want to sweat the radiation markings off and 43 minutes of 145 BPM exercise is not a bad start to the day. I visit the local farmers market and get some fruit but also some poppyseed pastries that are made at home. The vendor is Mexican, he says the baker is French but these taste perfectly like the Polish ones I grew up with. 

In the afternoon we go to a house party/silent auction to raise money to resettle a Syrian family through our church. We bid on some things we don’t need but I do get some Beats headphones which should come in handy listing to my iPod during the 5 hour chemo sessions. And Susan wins a massage in our house, I’m in.

Then the ‘big’ dance event. Now, I almost titled todays post ‘Dance Cretan’  for my lack of awareness. I am not big on ballet but we got season tickets to a dance series in downtown LA. I am more looking forward to the Hubbard Dance Company and others on the list, tonights ballet was just part of the package.  The company is Russian and I figure they must be good, the Russians are good at ballet. So, bear with me, I am not familiar with the Marlinsky Ballet, I had heard of the Kirov. I remember in the early 80s going to see the movie Backstage At The Kirov, a movie about the dance company in St. Petersburg, the best in the world, better than the Bolshi and any Western company. Started in 1740 as the Imperial Russian Ballet.  It was so good and you could only see it in Russia as the Soviets would not let them tour to avoid defections to the West. But I have not followed ballet much so was surprised to discover that this IS the Kirov, just under a new post Soviet name and obviously they now go on tour. The ballet is Cinderella.  The music was written by Prokofiev and the orchestra is the best in the world at playing his music. Someone who can really write about dance could describe the flow of the dance, the delicate and powerful moments but it is simply flawless.  The bodies are perfect, they make it look so smooth and easy and can spin in and out of other dance movements. And they dance together like contact dance even when not touching or even seeing each other. I plan to incorporate their dance moves into my dancing—in my next life.

A Day And Night of Art and Music

What a day. our good friends Bob & Bya come over for lunch, we share the Giordano’s pizza , they bring a raspberry tort desert cake, part of the ‘bulk up Frank’ conspiracy. Then we go to the movies and see The Martian, really great movie. I try to flow with the story rather than deconstruct the technical details they stretch a lot. So much is spot on and, of course, its a great story with great acting. Then we visit Susan’s Mom who is in hospice care. Her condition is about the same bedridden and not much there mentally. But she smiles and eats a bit, she is well cared for and not in pain. Our visit cuts into our Friday dance time but we catch up with Bob & Bya and head out to catch a bit of Art Night in Pasadena. This is a big event with 21 locations hosting art, music or other entertainment, last time they had 28,000 visitors, it looks busier this time. We skip the major art institutions (Norton Simon, Artcenter School of Design and many more) and focus more on music and dance. At city hall there is a cool jazz band and videos of lions projected around the building. One surprise is a fellow under a tree playing what looks like a home made 2 stringed instrument. Wonderful resonance and it reminds me a bit of Scott Huckabay or Bagavan Das in the sound space created but this is danceable music and I send Susan & our friends on so I can dance and spin as the spirit moves. And I dance until I am sweated up and start to worry as I do not want to lose the x-ray alignment spot if I get too wet. I learn the musicians name is Robert S Hilton ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAI3s3-4BHw ) he makes his own instruments and plays a unique sound that really works for me. Then we visit two more sites with bands and art displays, We walk down to the Lineage Dance Company studio and hear a good band and watch wonderful dance performances done to live music. There is something special about dancing to live music. Our last visit is to the Armory Center with several art displays, a scent at project and a great local band Nightjacket (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivt0I-8S4Bg ) Susan & I dance on and on. 

Other than not Dancing With Mr C I can’t imagine a better day.

Practice Day

This morning I had my teeth deep cleaned at my dentist. A lot of good advice and sympathy there. I will be seeing them frequently, teeth cleanings every three months will be part of my new life routine. And the afternoon was spent getting fitted and a ‘practice’ for the radiation treatments. A mesh mask is formed to my face, I wear a stent in my mouth, total lock down. They do a dye CT scan and I get a spot or mark on my chest I am to keep at all costs.The nurse gives me a handful of bandages to put on top to make sure the spot is protected. It is the alignment key for the radiation. I suppose it would be claustrophobic to be sent into a scan tube if you could see but I effectively have a bag over my head so it really doesn’t matter if there is a surface a few inches above my head or if I were outside under the stars.  

And it was tricky breathing, just getting a smooth air flow. Staying calm helped but I am feeling a lot of frustration, I can understand how rockers and rebels just want to break something.

http://tinyurl.com/pe2l7qa

The Best Pizza In The World

Just like arguments about the best wine in Napa or the best coffee in Seattle/SF you can into serious trouble in Chicago arguing about  the best pizza, and that means only in Chicago; NYC and even Italy don’t register. I love Giordano’s, Susan likes Edwardo’s, my brother likes Lou Malanti’s. And Uno’s, Doue’s, Gino’s & many others are contenders. But I like Giordano’s, even drove miles to get it when visiting Orlando Florida. So what arrives today but a dry ice chiller box with Gioradano’s pizza.  The pizza is from our older son Aaron. What a wonderful way to bulk up.

And it makes me remember my home town (and the Cubs made the play offs!)

Come on sing along,  My Kind of Town: http://tinyurl.com/nw556zg

UCLA Again

Yesterday, Tuesday, we made the trek to UCLA again. We had arranged a ‘favorable’ time slot of 11AM thinking it would help with traffic. Despite leaving 1.5 hrs before the appointment we are just about on time and we were doing 70+ MPH for over half the 30 miles so driving around the UCLA area is just miserable. And we check alternate navigation routes and follow the best routes. I was thinking that if I needed a third visit I would just get a local hotel room to make life easier.

I pick up the two appliances, the tooth guard and the radiation stent, which needed more fitting. Nice Dr. but again pretty depressing; first she smiles and says “you’ll be fine” and then reminds me, based on the max radiation treatment, of the non recovery of parts of the mouth and the tooth care protocols I will be following for the rest of my life.  I guess by “you’ll be fine” she means not dead as opposed to vibrant health. 

I made the Masonic Lodge meeting last night. Nice friends who are concerned about me. I leave a bit early to go home and take a pain pill. I will not be in regular attendance for some time and they understand that. Many offers of help, fortunately I have the logistics pretty well thought out but its nice to know there are folks who will help if I need it.

Just not feeling great, my jaw/neck/side of my head ache. I have been on acetaminophen 24/7 for a few months now so either the pressure is increasing or the medication is becoming less effective. I have a stronger medication but am trying to avoid going down that route. And the medical communications are just not cheery.  

A friend sends a youtube dance link, it does cheer me up a bit, maybe a new dance step I can learn someday:

http://tinyurl.com/oseeq2t

Dance Home

We finally make it back to our Monday night dance group, its called  IM JAM, meaning ‘improvisational’ or sometimes ‘conscious’ or 5 Rhythms. If Zumba is dance and exercise then this is dance and meditation. We are welcomed by the DJ and our many dance friends. Songs come and go, some sweet, some pounding. I love that dance here is a way to both let go and to connect. On one pulsing beat I almost throw out my shoulder trying to throw out the cancer within. And I get caught up in the dance, just being present. And I dance a lot with Susan. And then I hear ‘I’m So Glad I’m Standing Here Today’  and I want to soar but my feet feel stuck in mud, I sit sobbing while many hands touch and hold me. I feel frail, more sad than glad but at home. 

On the first Mondays of the month many of the group gather at the local ale house to socialize. While we explore each other in dance If we didn’t take this social opportunity we might not know anything about some dancers, maybe not even their names. And we would not have the community that has emerged from the dance floor.The dancers are just as interesting off the floor as on it. Vast age ranges from children through, I think, 80+. And there are different dance styles and abilities. Our oldest member, Irv, says we all do our own steps to the same music. And I have the mental model of singing happy birthday. Its not like I can’t hear that one person has a particularly good voice (is that my uncle in the back with a scratchy voice?) but its all being there singing together that makes the birthday celebration. 

Zumba!

On Sunday, after a month off for travel and medical reasons we go back for a Zumba class. About a year ago a new gym opened in our area and we signed up. Susan wanted the swimming pool and I loved the smell, look and feel of their brand new basketball court. I was recovering from a-fib heart ablation procedure so the doctors wanted me to exercise especially on something like a treadmill where I could build up my heart rate and hold it at appropriate levels. One day we dropped in on a Zumba class and what a surprise. It was fun, moving to music and it was quite a workout. I have an exercise heart monitor and I would hit the same exercise profile as playing basketball, hold my BPM @ 135-150 for an hour and burn 600 to 800 calories in an hour. The first three classes were so challenging I did not think I would make it through. But I built up strength, endurance and even figured out some of the dance routines. We were kind of hooked. After a while we got to know and be one of ‘the regulars’ not a close knit community but friendly, familiar and comfortable.

On our return there are friendly enquires about our absence, visiting family? international travel? No, we tell them about dealing with cancer and it seems like everyone can relate. And they know how hard it is on Susan too. We make it through the class; a bit of penance and yet joy on moving again. My heart BPM gets up to 161 briefly, with a 145 average, shows I was getting out of shape. After the class I am tired but a ‘good’ tired. The friendly folks and instructor (is there a better title for a Zumba teacher? Chief Zumba Lady?) are supportive and welcome me to dance at my own pace whenever I can make it over the next few months.

One of my favorite Zumba songs, try keeping your feet from moving:

http://tinyurl.com/cl987uh

Communication Day

Today Susan & I are sending emails to wider set of friends & relatives. We have held off as there was so much unknown until yesterday. I have communicated with the leaders of two dance groups and it feels OK to proceed with my dance friends. This can be a great source of healing energy. Other relatives, friends and former coworkers will get an email too. It is tricky because I want to let them know what is happening without putting any burden on them. It should be fine. They can check my blog if they want the latest information and if they want to talk directly they can call, write or visit. 

The is the beginning of the second waiting period. Better than the first as we know more of the extent of the cancer and the planned treatment. We get tickets to a local play, a comedy, to just enjoy ourselves during this time. 

And I dance around the room to Leya.  My brother sends me some old Crusaders links, always a great sound.

Joy And Sadness

A very good ending to Friday. After the PET scan news, meeting with the oncologist, visiting my monk friend I Susan & I are tired. We rest up a bit and head out to dance. There is a Friday night dance Susan & I sometimes get to and tonight would be a great time to go as tonight calls for dancing. But we choose another option and  head down to Long Beach where or son Michael is playing. Michael got his degree in music/performance/percussion from CSULB. He is a struggling musician with a part time day job and a range of bands he plays with for fun or income ranging from heavy metal (his favorite) to rock to church gigs to Brazilian music, even classical if its a paying gig. All through school he seemed part of the ‘anti cover’ club. Music had to be original. Now he occasionally does gigs with a band that does covers of bands like Pink Floyd and tonight the Rolling Stones playing a street gig at Art Night in Long Bech. So I get hear him play and dance around the streets of Long Beach. I let loose dancing, keeping mostly out of sight, I want to let go but not embarrass him. There is a fullness in life, something almost biblical from dancing to your children making music.

On a sad note, RIP Wilton Felder, the saxophone player from the Crusaders. Awesome sound. The song I’m So Glad I’m Standing Here Today is equally good as an instrumental piece or with vocals, not a lot of songs like that really. 

Obit: https://tinyurl.com/yaacpmvt

Song: http://tinyurl.com/pnq82ps

A Little Good News

I wake up wired, today I get the PET scan results and should know a lot more about the prognosis. My knees are weak; nerves, lack of sleep or active cancer, who knows.

Surprise call from the radiologist, I expected to get the PET scan results later today from the oncologist but here the radiologist is calling me and the PET san results are ‘good’, the cancer has not metastasized. (!!!!yea, happy dance!!!!) The scan only shows the main mass. They are also concerned with nearby lymph nodes although they did not light up on the scan. I ask about treatment strengths (being sort of a tech wonk I figure, why not ask) They will bombard the main mass with 7000 GY (grays, I was more familiar with RADS) going to 6300 GY in nearby high risk areas like the two nearby lymph nodes and 5600 for other nearby low risk areas that may have free floating cells they want to catch. The 7000 is the max dose they use so this will really be blasting my system and nearby healthy cells. But it really should take out the walnut sized tumor, definitely makes me think of it as ‘the nuclear or MAD (mutually assured destruction) option’ in warfare. Like burning the field to get rid of the weeds and counting on the good plants regrowing. 

Still, this is seriously good news although I sometimes see it as just going through hell for 9 weeks rather than going to hell & back for 18 weeks.

We meet with the oncologist and go over treatment and schedule details. Chemo & radiation are to began Oct 21st. Five hours for chemo and 2+ for the radiation treatment. Next week we pick up the mouth appliances, get in a ‘practice’ radiation treatment and I get a deep cleaning for my teeth. Things are falling into place and now its waiting but better waiting knowing the cancer has not metastasized. At home I dance around the room to Leya and stare into Susan’s eyes to Into My Arms. A blessed ‘time out’ like the scene from The Seventh Seal where the knight playing chess with death has a time out for strawberries and cream although this time it feels like I am winning the game. I’m so glad I’m standing here today.

Susan & I visit my favorite Buddhist monk, The Ven Pandit Ahangama Dhammarama, senior monk of all Sri Lankans in North America, he is 90 today and we bring a birthday cake. I tell him of my cancer condition and he says a blessing and ties a traditional string around our right wrists ‘for protection’. 

UCLA

Susan and I are up at 0 Dark Thirty, we leave Pasadena at 6:15 and barely make it on time for the 7:30 check in at the UCLA dental office just 30 miles away. LA has amazing traffic, I forget that we are relatively immune to it living close to where we worked and now, being retired, we rarely get mixed up in it. The prosthetist takes X-rays of my teeth and (fortunately!) determines none have to be pulled. She closely looks at every tooth and advises that I should have a ‘deep cleaning’, one where they clean the teeth deep into the gums under local anesthetic. No problem, I will make an appointment with my regular great dentist for next week. She makes up a stent which will secure my tongue and mouth so it will not move during radiation treatment. Also she takes an impression to make sort of a tooth guard which will hold fluoride gell. I will need to wear it for 15 minutes every day for the rest of my life. She goes into great detail as to the direct and side effects of radiation on the mouth. I will lose all of the saliva glands on my lower mouth, period. The radiation prescribed will nuke them and they will not come back. Another certain issue is dry mouth. What is not certain is how much less than 100% and when it will recover. Advises carrying a water and spray bottle to keep mouth lubricated to help the good microbes recover. Many people have difficulty eating and may need a tube for feeding.

I am feeling more like I am getting a good cop-bad cop treatment. One doctor will say something positive like this type cancer has a great prospect for treatment, period. Then the next, possibly induced by lawyers, goes on about what could happen. The very experienced oncologist advised the possibility of hearing loss although she said it is rare, she has only encountered it once. Susan and our son Michael went skydiving once and they had to watch a long video where the presenter drolled on about what could go wrong. It kind of feels like that. I am just hoping that the countless warnings about what could go wrong will not happen although I know some of them to some extent will happen.

We will return next week to check and pick up the oral appliances. On the way home we stop at one of my favorite restaurants, part of Susan’s secret plan to fatten me up. The Stinking Rose, has a garlic infused menu. I bulk up on Vitamin G, safe from vampires for a few days.  Potato garlic soup, brie with garlic, asparagus with blue cheese & garlic, whats not to like. Everything has garlic, even some of the ice cream. 

Waiting for tomorrow. No great theme song for today, just the acoustic version of ‘I’m So Glad’ playing on my internal juke box , still a good sound. 

https://tinyurl.com/yanavd7d

PET Scan

PET scan came and went. They made it sound like it would be difficult. Although longer than a CT scan it didn’t involve a dye that warmed my body. Only about 20 minutes in the machine I thought it would be longer. Eyes closed-don’t move, good time for a mantra. In this case it was the Gayatri Mantra, I heard a beautiful version in my head by Anjula Prasad, we heard her at Bhaktifest and her voice still lingers with us https://tinyurl.com/y77dxbx5 

 Now for dancers it would seem impossible or at least difficult to dance to a mantra but a couple years back Susan & I caught a MOMIX show and were swept away by this performance ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sykb6h81TZQ ). I have twirled along with the song, mantra dancing.

Today we are up around 5 to get across town to UCLA for dental arrangements. We are usually morning people but with a late night and nerves still charged up it is a challenging morning.