Susan!

Susan, AKA:  Adventure Girl. I am among the blessed on the earth as I found Susan. Some folks like the term partner or soulmate, sounds fine to me but I don’t need a label. Susan & I are connected on a deep level. Very symbiotic. Sometimes it feels like there is only one of us and that feels good. I know this is not for everyone, I have seen successful marriages where the two have kept quite independent activities and identities. But we have never had too much time together. We drove to the arctic on a 7 week, 8,000 mile journey over 200 hours just sitting next to each other in the Jeep, taking in the adventure together. (drivingtothearctic.blogspot.com) Emmylou Harris has a song, Strong Hand with a wonderful wilting refrain ‘and its a miracle, how one soul finds another’ ( http://tinyurl.com/q2neg3l ). I feel this on some retreats or while dancing when real contact is made with another and best of all I feel it frequently with Susan. There is a passage from St. Paul, commonly used in wedding ceremonies, that ‘the two shall become one’. when I was a teenager I thought it was romantic. In college I considered it misguided at best. As an adult in a long  marriage  I have found it to be a simple statement of fact. 

So this whole process is hard on her and I appreciate when folks not only are sympathetic to my condition but they understand the stress she is under. In fact she gets a double dose. Her Mom is in hospice for 9 months now. Fading away physically and not much there mentally for a long time. Susan is over visiting almost every other day. Quite a retirement for her, eh?(As the Canadians would say.)

Song of the moment, added to the Dancing With Mr C playlist, not exactly 'our song' but one we have shared a lot, Into My Arms By Nick Cave https://tinyurl.com/htwfaex

We meet with our best friends, Bob & Bya. Tea for them just water for me getting ready for the PET scan. We are blessed to have good friends who are there physically and emotionally for us. We have traveled many times together, this is not a trip I would invite anyone to take yet there they are signing on. Hope not to call on them but who knows what the next few months hold?

Tonight is the PET scan, then tomorrow morning have to be across town at 7:30 AM at a UCLA medical office where they will check my teeth and make an ‘appliance’ that helps control damage to the teeth in the radiation process. I’m sure it will take the whole morning but is a very good idea as my dentist  sister in law advised that radiation can seriously degenerate the teeth. So very enhanced attention to tooth protection and hygiene is warranted.

Friday we should have the results of the PET scan and know either everything or at least the most important facts about the extent of the cancer.

Slow Day

Slow Day

Tuesday it is. The only day this week without some kind of medical event. My energy has mostly returned which makes me feel even more wimpy that I had not pushed myself to dance last night. Susan & I walk around the Rose Bowl with friends, they give me a gift certificate for ice cream, yea! Walking goes well,we visit another jeweler, has great stuff at seriously high prices. The problem is we want to see what the rings look like on our fingers but they are special order and can’t be returned. Something to do later in the process, maybe wander around the jewelry district on a day I have enough energy and we have time.

Another song

The key song on my Dancing With Mr C ‘playlist’ is always ‘I’m So Glad I’m Standing Here Today (https://tinyurl.com/y8dz2p54 ) but there are others that popup from time to time. This is how things work for me. When I go for meditation retreats at Mt Baldy Zen Center and other times in meditation songs come to me, flow though me, flow with me. I think this is a deeper place in my being communicating with me. Sometimes I don’t like the music, like several times on a long meditation retreats, feeling a miserable slog at the time, the song in my head is Ol Man River, ’sweat & toil’ music, its not a distraction but bubbling up from deeper in my soul. Although I woke up with I’m So Glad and heard it many times the other song playing on my internal juke box, the theme for today, came from Leya by Haana. 

A little of its history in my life: So there we were, Susan & I at Burning Man, not being very good Burners we slept (or tried to) most of the night. This means we missed the extensive after midnight activities including dance & circus acts. The trade off for this energy cycle is that we were up mornings, usually at dawn, the playa was relatively empty and cool. We could see all the art pieces without lines and in beautiful morning light. And there we were at the Temple when a huge dragon shaped art car pulls up with a loud sound system. Playing on top is an amazing violin. The red headed lady had a wireless pickup and came down, people danced and whirled around her, an intoxicating sound, I danced until I dropped. I asked about the car/music/musician, simply ‘who are they’ and got an answer that was Haana, from NYC and a particular camp. The next day I was out again at dawn to dance with the dragon and wild redhead lady. The second song on my Dancing With Mr C Playlist is therefore Leya by Haana. Dance till you drop.

song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4-MpjMvYqs

picture: https://tinyurl.com/yd4w4dds

http://thisishaana.com

Dance Wimp

Dance wimp. I woke up Monday just feeling drained. It came out of nowhere. I felt good Sunday dancing and just being active. But this morning I woke up with a nervous tension, something like flu symptoms.This just seems crazy, I was feeling good yesterday and I am a week or two away from beginning treatments so how can I be so weak I can only lift a few pounds, is the cancer racing out ahead of treatment? Is it my nervous system which has been wired for days now? Is it a side effect of the flu shot two days ago? Nothing is certain expect I am out of energy. Mid day Susan & I go for a meeting with the oncologist who explains the chemo treatment, three intravenous injections three weeks apart. She does not know and no one knows if treatment will require one round and then the next of radiation/chemo until the results of the PET scan scheduled for Wednesday night are known. She says she can help with nausea and a long list of other side effects. We will meet again Friday when the PET results are in and the formal treatment plan will get scheduled. Still weak in the knees; flu, cancer, difficult messages or something else? Although I get some energy back I choose not to go to my Monday night dance which is something almost sacred to me. I am worried that I will get drawn into more energy output at this critical time and if the energy drain is in response to yesterdays activities I will have to plan energy expenditures more carefully even when I am feeling, relatively, good.  I know I could have gone and just moved around a bit but I am in preventative mode right now. And there is no exercise for 24 hours before the PET scan so nothing more than walking Tuesday morning and laying back after that. I REALLY want a clean PET scan.

I miss dance, my therapy. We do go walking, slowly around the local mall,  Very paced, I get my steps in for the day. We stop by a couple jewelers. Susan is looking to replace our wedding rings with matching bands. Not much selection. She has some images from the internet and we will have to find them online or maybe the jewelry district. 

I am eating a remarkable amount and not putting on weight. I had onion rings with lunch and desert, something I never do. At the mall I had a root beer float and at home (I did have the presence of mind to ask the Dr about alcohol) I had my first beer in a month. And this morning I was all of .1 LB up. Really. I think that month ago  eating that would have added a pound or two. 

I get an email messsage from the Monday night dance DJ and other dance friends and my brother. They are dancing with me.

First Dance

Susan & I drove across town  yesterday for a dance session in Culver City. We have been there a few times before.  We only know the DJ and a few of the people but it is a good session, only for moments can I get past the worry and tension in my body but I do dance, my eyes are on fire, I see the aliveness in all those there.  She plays a song I think is from Haana, I twirl when I can, it was the right place to be. Afterwards we have lunch at Govinda’s Restaurant at the Hare Krishna Temple nearby, healthy food, I eat a lot of it. I am having trouble putting on weight, even this early in the process. 

That night my son, Michael, and his girlfriend, Sidney came over to visit. We just hang out and talk and have dinner It's always nice to see him, although he lives nearby in Long Beach (45 miles) we don’t get together often, more contact by phone and email.

Our other son, Aaron, sent video messages from the grandchildren, saying, "we love you grandpa Frank".

Clear The  Calendar

There are planned events coloring many days of our calendar. Time to clear them all off. Some we might be able to make but it is known that there are vast ranges of energy in the treatment cycle so firm commitments are right out. Susan cancels a scheduled silent retreat at Asilomar with Adyashanti in early December. I have a 65th birthday bash planned for October 30th, there will be another time and purpose in a later celebration.  My whole family is planning on a get together in Las Vegas in Dec, I tell them that is a maybe. I call my Masonic Lodge where I am Treasurer and inform them I will not be active for a while, they understand being of a similar vintage.

Why

I am writing this blog for three reasons; first is to clarify my own thoughts and organize my experiences, second is to have a channel to communicate with family & friends (if they want to check in) what is going on with me without my having to send out announcements or field calls about my condition (but calling to talk is fine) and third there may be others ‘out there’ who are going through a difficult life event and dealing with it by prayer, meditation, yoga or, who knows maybe fly fishing. I hope they may find something useful in my engagement with my cancer treatment through music & dance.

Dancing With Cancer

Not the partner I would pick but life has a way of sending a variety of partners some to help us maybe some for us to help who knows?

A couple days after being told I have tongue/throat cancer and they didn’t know if it had metastasized my knees are still weak, just from the message, imagine how they will be after chemo & radiation treatments. I am due for a PET scan to acertain the extent of the cancer which will affect the treatment. Susan asked what I wanted to do, rest, go out, a short trip? I wanted to dance but the usual Zumba class seems like a bit much and just not conscious enough. I want my conscious rhythm dancing to clear my mind, heal my soul and maybe my body too.  It will be an interesting dance encounter,  friends there will not be aware of my ‘condition’ if I don’t tell them I am leaving them out of an important aspect of my life, If I do I am burdening them with my condition. It will be interesting to see how the dance works because although I, and everyone, show up with an initial state of consciousness, it gets transformed in the dance and everyone gets to participate exactly as they are. Which is exactly what I am looking for right now.

Susan asked if I was going to have an ‘anthem’ song, seems like a good choice of words, theme’ song misses the point. When she had cancer some 20 years ago I spontaneously latched onto a British pop song by David Essex, ‘Hold Me Close Don’t Let Me Go’. Really pretty pop but always in my head, I would grab her and hold her, literally for hours, playing and singing the song again and again, past her protests and exhaustion, going on and on, holding and singing. When it as time to visit in the hospital Michael was maybe 5 and he and I came around the corner into her room with the song playing on a boom box. 

So what song works for me? The one now stuck in my head day & night is The Crusaders/Joe Cocker’s song ‘I’m So Glad I’m Standing Here Today’ , if you don’t know the song go find it, what else is youtube for? Or just stick around I will make sure you hear it.

The lyrics are:

There were times I remember

Had to fight just to hold my head up

Those times when even my friends

Tried to make a fool of me

There were things that my heart attacked

That they just couldn't see

Some said I was hopeless

Tangled in the night

Strong hearts just keep goin'

That is why I'm still standing here today

Come together, raise up your voices

This time my song of love and life won't go away

I'll sing forever here in the sunshine

I've lived to see the sun break through the storm

And I'm so glad I'm standing here today

If you're lost in your troubles

And the world just seems to forget you

If you remember sunshine

Even on your darkest day

Just follow what your heart says

And you will find the way

Some said I was hopeless

Tangled in the night

Strong hearts just keep goin'

That is why I'm still standing here today

Come together, raise up your voices

This time my song of love and life won't go away

I'll sing forever here in the sunshine

I've lived to see the sun break through the storm

And I'm so glad I'm standing here today

Now Susan added, don’t I really want a playlist? Yes I do, one for Dancing With Mr C, so many aspects & facets and who knows who is leading and who is following.